Adolescence
was a particularly vulnerable period in this young lady’s life, as in any young
person’s life. An unassuming teenager
would be an accurate description. Not
particularly pretty, not popular, not poised.
Going to school, attending church with usual passivity. The majority of waking hours engaged
activities requiring the participation of only one person—herself.
Extremely shy.
Reads a lot. Fascinated with
ancient history. Keeps a mandatory
journal with her at all times. A
self-taught seamstress, learning to sew clothes tailored to fit her 18 inch
waist. As well, she gifted needlepoint,
paint-by-number oil paintings, and stitched together handmade crafts during
holidays, whenever supplies could be afforded.
~Needlepoint?~
When
in season, the veggies in the backyard swelled, yielding a sweet reward. Regularly tended to, with her
great-grandmother as overseer, were homegrown collard greens, red tomatoes, hot
and spicy peppers, onion, and corn, each in his assigned row (no need to go to
market as often as before). There was a
‘scarecrow’ strategically placed on duty that actually attracted the very crows
it was summoned to scare away. A ready
perch from which birds taunted the idle stick-man.
In another part of the yard, a lovely
flower garden blossomed, yielding a fragrant beauty. It was hedged around the
side of the house facing a frontage road.
Bumblebees got fat feasting here
in this part of the garden. Butterflies
and ladybugs were regular visitors here.
Honeysuckles, mums, morning glories, tulips, roses; and small, delicate
white, blue, purple, yellow, orange, pink ones grew wild. Rainbow colors. Some budded every year;
others had to be replanted. One kind
only bloomed in the evening, and would close its petals during the
daytime. Wonderfully weird.
Bees,
ladybugs, butterflies were plenteous. Trees, shapely bushes, plants galore. From
front porch chatter, car mufflers, and kids’ laughter to cats chasing
squirrels, chirping birds, and barking dogs. There was God in the midst. Her best Friend
in life, the still, small voice of God.
He remained an abiding comrade during this time as in former years. This was a perfect meeting place in which to
tune in. Something very real and
audible, outside of the physical scope of her world, provided internal
comforts. This spiritual link fielded a peculiar, extraterrestrial sense,
admittedly. Even so, she welcomed it.
In the
external arena of her life there was often an overriding feeling of being
upstaged (up on a stage alone). Alone
on this oceanic globe. Perhaps too
different, too strange. Estranged. And being
amongst family, schoolmates, and others did nothing to sway these
feelings. Yet God saw fit to meet with
the little garden-tender. Nestled in the
evenings there, alone. Faithful to watering, stealthily waiting for that
sheepish flower to bloom. Truly, He was
the perfect Comforter.
And for
some reason, local noise did not distract from this ever recognizable Voice.
Throughout the noise and within the quiet, a lot of thinking took place. Looked as if she is staring most times, but
was actually thinking things through.
She spent meditative amounts of time amid many, many questions just
pelting.
Reaching
puberty prompted so many of these seeking questions in heart that came and
went. Heartfelt pangs steady as rainfall would not
go away. There was a ‘Why?’ in the atmosphere for every day of
the week. Questions, sprayed with doubts,
seemed to be on her mind most of the time.
Questions like,
“Why
don’t I have any friends?”
“Why
am I here?”
“Why
was I placed here with this family to live?”
“Why
do I feel so down all of the time?”
This was her norm. And day after day, as she grew into
adolescence, she wished very vividly about the day of rescue from this
norm. Naturally, immature and unable to
appreciate any depth or value of having spiritual incite at that time. It seemed to clash with society. Being spiritually aware was ‘square.’
To make matters worse, she had nothing
much in common with any other adolescents her age. Straining to find something, she would often
observe their apparent normalcy with an intense yearning. Boyfriends, dating, and always chatting about
the next big house party! This was so
back in the day when house parties and black lights was the place to be if you
wanted to pick up any popular points with peers, or what is called street
cred.
Can’t forget about one main reason for
the parties! Sex. Everybody was doing ‘it.’ Even the so called ‘slow kids’ on the block
were ‘hooking up.’ But not she; she was
a mere spectator. Envious of them? Not altogether. Covet a more normal life in
line with her peers? Certainly. It seemed normal to want to be normal.
Especially, beginning to identify with the many variables of self, of
choices, as an evolving adolescent.
This quite often left a feeling of
inferiority to other females as though somehow she was less than. As if something was missing in her very
make-up as a developing woman. Often
comparing herself with others, she could see that she was not the full bosomed,
voluptuous type. She scaled other young
women to hold a more natural sexual prowess that, for some reason, did not come
natural to her. She remembers being the
flat-chested, wall with no sense of womanhood, no matter with whom she compared
herself. Entering womanhood and the like
was an eerie, inconspicuous nuance that did not allow for hampering questions,
or delays.
~Where was the instinct?~
Body image issues, low self-esteem, and
an undetected eating disorder lay in tow.
Unaware that these symptomatic red flags even had terminology way back
when. These existential matters would
prove to be key, foundational contributors toward shaping her psyche and its
impending confusion, going forward.
Flowery imagery, as seen through these
gullible eyes, reveals quite the innocent intent of a heart untainted by Satan.
Until. Until that innocence is proven
guilty, and that which is untainted becomes foul. This becomes obvious later.
b
A
strange thing happened one glorious summer day. It was a clear day with blue
sky, fluffy white clouds, and pure sunshine.
You could say it was early morning.
You could even say it was in the middle of the day, or high noon, when
the sun radiates its brightest burn of the day. A day vision:
There she was minding her own business, standing on the bottom stair of
her great-grandmother’s porch. She
stands there admiring her great-grandmother’s horticultural workmanship, which
happens to be a large-potted Elephant Ear plant. It was enormously grand with lustrous,
deep-green leaves, each leaf fully extent to expose itself toward the sun’s
rays. Passersby took the time to
compliment her great-grandmother for having such a green thumb almost on a
daily basis.
